You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
