maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize