My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
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