Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
