I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
