At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
