i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
