On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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