Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
