I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
