Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
