Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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