I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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