That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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