The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
