this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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