i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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