mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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