We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
