Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
