every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
