When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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