i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i think i have two assholes
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
