Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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