Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
