I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
