I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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