Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
