from now on my penis is your penis
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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