Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
