Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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