I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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