Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
