can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
