Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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