Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize