to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
