She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
