is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
