dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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