my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm too high and old for this...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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