2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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