I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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