So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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