I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
