How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
