Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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