grandma shit on top of the toilet
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
