Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
