pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
