yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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