how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
