Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
