you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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