I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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