the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
