just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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