I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
