i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
