im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
