just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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